We read so many verses in Proverbs about wisdom...it’s valuable, it calls out, we need it, invest in it. All good, and practical advice that is sound for sure. Today, I started pastor Brian Houstons plan, Wisdom Makes a Way and it really prompted so many thoughts. Let me unpack some learnings from twenty one years of marriage, I call it the 3 A’s.

Robin and I have been married for just over twenty one years, and have an amazing marriage. Amazing doesn’t mean perfect, but in all honesty our marriage is pretty darn great. Anything that is “great or amazing” for the most part doesn’t happen on accident, it’s taken a lot of work. And for us, one of the hardest parts over the years to navigate is how uniquely different we are. Maybe I could say it this way, Robin and I are polar opposites. I say it’s blue, she sees it red. I think up, she is absolutely down. In personality terms, I am a ENTJ she is a ISFP. I am an Enneagram 8 she is a 6. Literally folks, we see the world and situations through totally different lenses. 

Over our twenty plus years of marriage this has really been a challenge. In the beginning, when we were dating this was attractive, she was so different and that was exciting and fun. But unfortunately when we got married that excitement and fun turned a bit more into a reality of frustration. Those God given strengths and gifts Robin had, I had only made step 1 of 3 steps to “Acknowledge.” I moved from being irritated and frustrated with how Robin was, to acknowledging she was uniquely created different. But, acknowledging is only step one, to have a healthy marriage and respect of each other there are two more steps. 

The next process we must grow through, and what took me a little more time was moving from simply Acknowledging to Accepting. How I see these two differently is head to heart. Acknowledging is simply a head knowledge of the differences, but it didn’t really change my heart. Step 2, moving to Accepting shifted that head knowledge to a heart awareness and softness to myself. This step brings so much peace, and really made a world of difference in our marriage when my heart became right, and I accepted Robin for who she was, and for the beautiful person God created her to be. Yes, radically different than me...but I fully accepted this as a gift from God. But, Accepting is just step 2...there is SO MUCH more that God has for a marriage.

Finally, the last phase I believe that is critical for a marriage is stepping into Appreciation. See, accepting your spouse for who God created them is good, and an absolute must, but it still falls short of fully appreciating them and their views and perspectives. Appreciation moves the marriage into a place where I have great value and respect for the differences that Robin brings to the marriage, how she can see something that I don’t, how she can challenge my views and bring a more full picture of a situation because she sees it from a radically different angle. This, in all cheesy movies lines is the “you complete me...” The two becoming one, and really appreciating the differences is the final stage. 

So there you have it. My 3 A’s - Acknowledge, Acceptance, Appreciation. It’s a journey and process to walk through them in a marriage, but it is so worth it. And let me leave you with this, you don’t stay in any phase, especially the Appreciation phase without working at it daily. It takes daily work, dying to self and great and powerful Holy Spirit filled Wisdom to operate in the Appreciation Phase. Do the work...it’s worth it, and your marriage deserves it.