Marriage and Ministry email

Here is an email that I received recently. I felt led to post it,and post my response.

Terry, I read your blog everyday - thanks for the insightful writing and the 'scope that is going on at FC.  Can I ask an honest question that may get a little personal?

How do you handle the demands of ministry and keep the marriage and family intact?  As an associate pastor myself I am finding it difficult to balance the two and wonder with the fast pace that FC charges at - how does one do it?  I am sure, I am not the only one who is experiencing it - I have often heard it, when asking other pastors the same question, that the ministry or 'church' is somewhat of a vortex that keeps wanting more and more.

Thank you in advance for your response and your great insight into Fellowship Church.

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First let me (Terry) say that I do not have this totally figured out to say the least, and secondly I am going to answer this with the help of my wife, Robin. So here we go. One of the things that comes to my mind is being faithful to taking a day off. This is not the easiest thing for me to say the least. As we all know ministry never stops. So, on Fridays, my day off, I do my best to disconnect and connect with myself and the family. Normally a day off for me is catching up on the bills, running errands, and letting Robin have some time as well. Almost always, Reia (3 1/2) and I go to Starbucks and have chocolate milk and a decaf and share a muffin.

Robin, what do you think?
I think that a regular date night is very important. I know that we have not been nearly as consistent as we normally are because of Reese (6 months) but they are very important to our relationship. Normally we take at least 2 date nights a month. It is really our time to get away from the kids and just enjoy our time together. As our girls grow up, the demands at home increase. So, we really don't have much time as a couple to talk and really connect, so a regular date night is a great way to come together and connect. \n
\nTerry- That is great. I love our date nights! I also think that having\nan outlet is very important. Again, ministry is very demanding and very\nstressful so you must have an outlet that allows you to totally unplug.\nMy outlet is golf. Golf is really one of the only ways that I can\ntotally disconnect from it all and relax. I might not be golf for you,\nbut you must find an outlet or a way to unplug from it all and relax.
\n
\nRobin- Yes, that is good. Many times I can see a difference in you when\nyou come back from the golf course. You are happier, and seem much more\nrelaxed. When you are relaxed you have more to offer me and the girls.\nI also think that basic communication about work is important. I know\nthat I can not know all the details, and don\'t need to know everything,\nbut it is important to have an insight or a window into what is going\non in your world.
\n
\nTerry- That is a great point. This is also a big struggle for me. My\npersonality type is one that wants to protect you (Robin), so I\nnaturally do not share much about what is going on. But over the years,\nI have gotten better much because of you dragging it out of me and\ngiving you a peek into what is going on and making you feel a part of\nit all. Now I will say, here is where I do see many couples mess up. I\ndo think that it is important to share and allow your spouse to have a\npeek into your world, but make sure that you still protect her as well\nas yourself. Always remember what is confidential or what really does\nnot need to be talked about. I think it is important to keep some of\nthe more challenging issues or confidential issues away from Robin.
\n
\nRobin- True, and an encouragement to the spouse... "You dont need to\nknow everything. Actually, you dont want to know everything." Respect\nthat fact and your world will get much easier. Lets move onto some fun\nstuff. Vacations! You must take vacations, and let me define a\nvacation, no kids!
\n
\nTerry- Vacation are like a long date night, perfect. I also think that\nscheduling is important. Frankly, we say no to a lot of things. We try\nnot to pac man our schedule to death with unimportant events. Now, dont\nget me wrong, I like hanging out with friends and family, but don\'t\nmake the mistake of cramming your schedule with it. I also like to go\ninto the office a little later in the mornings, this gives me time with\nthe girls in the morning. Its not much, but an extra 15-45 minutes in\nthe morning playing or just sitting with them can go a long way. I also\nis a great way to avoid Dallas traffic.",1] );

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Terry- That is great. I love our date nights! I also think that having an outlet is very important. Again, ministry is very demanding and very stressful so you must have an outlet that allows you to totally unplug. My outlet is golf. Golf is really one of the only ways that I can totally disconnect from it all and relax. I might not be golf for you, but you must find an outlet or a way to unplug from it all and relax.

Robin- Yes, that is good. Many times I can see a difference in you when you come back from the golf course. You are happier, not so stressed and seem much more relaxed. When you are relaxed you have more to offer me and the girls. I also think that basic communication about work is important. I know that I can not know all the details, and don't need to know everything, but it is important to have an insight or a window into what is going on in your world.

Terry- That is a great point. This is also a big struggle for me. My personality type is one that wants to protect you (Robin), so I naturally do not share much about what is going on. But over the years, I have gotten better much because of you dragging it out of me and giving you a peek into what is going on and making you feel a part of it all. Now I will say, here is where I do see many couples mess up. I do think that it is important to share and allow your spouse to have a peek into your world, but make sure that you still protect her as well as yourself. Always remember what is confidential or what really does not need to be talked about. I think it is important to keep some of the more challenging issues or confidential issues away from Robin.

Robin- True, and an encouragement to the spouse... You don't need to know everything. Actually, you don't want to know everything. Respect that fact and your world will get much easier. Lets move onto some fun stuff. Vacations! You must take vacations, and let me define a vacation, no kids!

Terry- Vacation are like a long date night, perfect. I also think that scheduling is important. Frankly, we say no to a lot of things. We try not to Pac-Man our schedule to death with unimportant events. Now, don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with friends and family, but don't make the mistake of cramming your schedule with it. I also like to go into the office a little later in the mornings, this gives me time with the girls in the morning. Its not much, but an extra 15-45 minutes in the morning playing or just sitting with them can go a long way. It also is a great way to avoid Dallas traffic. \n
\nRobin- Yes, and what goes with that is you being home at night. I know\nthat there are some times that is impossible, but the majority of the\ntime you are home with the family at a decent time. You are normally\nhome around 6-6:30, and that allows us to eat dinner together. I know\nthat it is many times a sacrifice for you, but you do make up for it by\ngetting a lot of work done in the evenings when the girls are asleep.
\n
\nTerry- Prayer. This is a must, you must stay in prayer for each other.\nI think that we do a great job in this category individually, but for\nsure an area that we could get better at praying together!
\n
\nRobin, I am going to let you finish this thing out with the "Love Languages" thing we talk about.
\n
\nFirst of all, if you haven\'t read The Five Love Languages by Gary\nChapman, it is a worthwhile read. The basic concept is that we all give\nand recieve love in certain ways. He outlines five, and one is your\ndominate love language. For example, Terry is an acts of service\nperson. I could tell him how great I thought he was all day long, but\nactions speak louder to him. Which is why when he takes the time to\nchange all of the burnt out light bulbs in the house, it is his way of\ntelling me he loves me. The problem comes with the fact my love\nlanguage is words of praise—I need to hear how great a wife and mother\nhe thinks I am! Ironic isn\' t it! So, we have to work really hard\non meeting each others needs. If I am trying to meet his needs through\nhis love language, and vice versa, we are both having our needs\nemotional needs met; and we are having them met by the other person\nwhich is far more satisfying than trying to meet our needs ourselves.
",1] );

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Robin- Yes, and what goes with that is you being home at night. I know that there are some times that is impossible, but the majority of the time you are home with the family at a decent time. You are normally home around 6:00-6:30, and that allows us to eat dinner together. I know that it is many times a sacrifice for you, but you do make up for it by getting a lot of work done in the evenings when the girls are asleep.

Terry- Prayer. This is a must, you must stay in prayer for each other. I think that we do a great job in this category individually, but for sure an area that we could get better at praying together!

Robin, I am going to let you finish this thing out with the "Love Languages" thing we talk about.

First of all, if you haven't read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it is a worthwhile read. The basic concept is that we all give and receive love in certain ways. He outlines five, and one is your dominate love language. For example, Terry is an acts of service person. I could tell him how great I thought he was all day long, but actions speak louder to him. Which is why when he takes the time to change all of the burnt out light bulbs in the house, it is his way of telling me he loves me. The problem comes with the fact my love language is words of praise—I need to hear how great a wife and mother he thinks I am!  Ironic isn' t it! So, we have to work really hard on meeting each others needs. If I am trying to meet his needs through his love language, and vice versa, we are both having our needs emotional needs met; and we are having them met by the other person which is far more satisfying than trying to meet our needs ourselves.
\n

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Terry Storch
terry.storch@gmail.com
http://www.terrystorch.com
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Again, Robin and I do not have this marriage and ministry thing totally figured out. But the one thing that I do have figured out, and the one thing that I know is so true, marriage takes a lot of work. And when you combine marriage and ministry it only takes that much more work and focused effort. As Robin and I just said to each other, we could go on and on with this post, but we must wrap this up.  My final word is going to be priorities. There is no need to pray about them, no need to search for them, no need discuss them, they are very clearly laid out in the Bible, you just need to do them.